Ship of Fools
It was later than I thought when I first believed at 10, in 1967
In my economic cosmic misery at 66 I cannot share your laughter ship of fools. My Christmas is quite like any other day since my wife died. All I know is 3 years ago brain scan after fall showed no tumor. All I do know is at gun point, in my apartment, literally, a police threat of arrest, one year before Tumor hospitalization, her daughter incarcerated her for a PCR test of positive. Daughter called police. 6 came. With her daughter officiating the mother agreed that her health required a hospital. At gun point I say as I was arrestable for hindering her removal. I was not allowed to see her. Phoning five times each day maybe helped her get out.
Poisoned for 3 days with Remesidvor and freed with reluctance on day 4 only to sicken with brain tumor one year later and die after surgery 6 months after this is my observation one year and one day before today in the Jurassic period of the Dinosaurs.
Like a steam locomotive steaming down the track she’s gone ain’t nothing gonna bring her back. So Suchness is now totally me to blame so I blame the MAN!! Which is in the end not even wrong. Pity. And freedom? “like I told you/what I said/steal that face right off your head” and by vaccine of everything from air to water you and the Borg get to share you know EVERYTHING 24/7/365 so umm it is as it it is. Absurd.
And here I have to stop again and get off the bus.
The stop is not my destination. A compulsion gripped me. Get off now.
I did.
Still San Francisco.
And oddly not the same energy of the same old same old post Covid collapse.
I changed my mind and crossed the brain divide.
Old Gold Mountain (Chinese: 旧金山
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DISCLAIMER: The Journal of Lingering Sanity is a reader-supported publication. We are beholden to truth not party. “The time has come," the Journal said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax— Of cabbages—and kings— And why the sea is boiling hot— And whether pigs have wings."
I don't know what to say, my life has come undone too, I find it very hard to relate to the world in any genuine way; at least 'here' we can write about hard things, but out there, to the normies we cannot say much. A lady at the store was in tears this morning, because her sister had died in a state thousands of miles away. Of course I didn't ask, I just tried to empathize. I fear the same phone call from my jabbed up older siblings. Like the last 3 Christmas, this has been a non-holiday, and I am not sure I will want to 'go there' again, it just doesn't seem appropriate. I spent the day watching UFC fights and listening to recordings of Bigfoot howls. Thanks for your honesty Stegiel, and your wide ranging intellect, you writing feels like a jazz improvisation to me. Very Best from Oregon
I am very sorry for your loss and incredibly horrific experience. Please find a way to push through and thank you for sharing your experiences. On this very difficult Christmas I wish you love, blessings, and peace of mind and heart.