Today is Juneteenth and I do not care. Narrowly considered we are in 1776 land awaiting free people. Citizens dwelling in the several states we have many. I am as free as a broke dude can be. Not boasting only observing I have toiled many a year over age 50 in indignity and for a minimum wage and never did I consider myself free of pecuniary slavery. I always considered myself Metaphysically free. In the sense I know I do not know but I have no reason to disagree that the best thought comes closest to truth. And as the child of my 40 year generation of 80 years-40 years prior and forty after birth in 1957-I am this sentient bubble of quantum froth and so forth SUBDUCTED by the 20th century fault line.
Free from other more servile slavery since Meals on Wheels exists to eat I remain a slave of my mood and my hour in life sulking at my wife’s death and being accused of murder and dissolution and depravity by her only child, a daughter of 58 years, “everybody knows” you killed her and I want an autopsy
This specific allegation arises over a Coach purse I believed I disposed of. For some reason this purse well used has talismanic value. I was mistaken. The purse was the one used every day and not the Kate Spade purse bought for my wife in Carmel 2 years ago unused. The purses disposed of were not of value.
The funeral is still on.
Tonight my oldest SF friend and old roomate takes me out to a Chinese movie on the Ukraine.
Only two weeks ago impossible.
I can go on.
My heroic imagination - more on this from 19th century Nietzsche’s view to come. And to some extent from mine as well. Century 21 has been “berry berry good,..to me”.
Beaten down, looking up, considering situational options and my broken soda bottle in a neck just to see the blood spurt as I laugh
Thank you so much for the poems you sent earlier. They were so intense and perfect. I saved them to review again later. Please skip the broken bottle and the blood and the laughing. It is never good to make major decisions when you are in the depth of things. You have to come away from the black hole first. You need linear time in this equation. Add some time here please, you have such a way about you. I am sorry you have to be here for it now. Being here for it, whatever it is, is a really hard thing to do. You are in the thick of it. I am so sorry that the daughter is saying such things to you. People go through so much when someone dies and then when the family acts that way it just compounds the problems exponentially. I hope she comes around to her senses later, I hope that she is just not thinking straight right now. I have no idea the usual quality of her character so I have nothing for a baseline from her. Dear friend, I appreciate the things you share. I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't know where you live, but if there is any opportunity to be in nature, maybe you should go and do something deliberate for your wife outside. Don't watch the blood spurt right now. You are going through some serious depression. You will feel light enter your body again, you will be curious again, you will think you had a clear sign again. You will know what your next move will be again. You will work a few days in a row without thinking about how miserable you are again. Just give it a day at a time. Don't let the other negative voices in. Protect yourself like you would someone you love. I don't care what you believe in, talk to your wife. I talk to myself a lot. I talk to rocks. You probably shouldn't take my advice, except for the skipping the bleeding part. I got that much right.
Thank you for telling us about how you are.
Hang in there.
Good to hear about your going to a film with a friend.
Things will get better.